Because of the nature of Alzheimer’s Disease, those living with it and their caregivers are often forced to deal with something that we talk a lot about but often misunderstand:

Forgiveness.

Forgiveness is a greatly misunderstood concept in our culture. With the age-old and very unhelpful adage in our minds – “forgive and forget” - we often don’t want to forgive because it feels like we’re being asked to forget the truth. If someone has wronged you deeply, does forgiveness mean there are no consequences for that? If you forgive them, is it the same thing as saying that what happened didn’t matter?

And if we equate forgiving with forgetting, what does that say about dealing with people who hurt us in the past? Does it mean we make ourselves vulnerable to be hurt again because we have “forgotten” that wrong?

Alzheimer’s Disease is a terrible thing in the best of circumstances. Even highly functional families with great communication skills and a history of love and support find it hard to live with the sudden change in a loved one that comes with Alzheimer’s. But what of those who do not have a good relationship with their parents? What about those whose mother or father was not the best parent? When a parent suddenly needs your help, and you are carrying around a lot of anger and resentment from the past, you are going to have to learn the fine art of forgiveness.

I say forgiveness is an art because it is a delicate balance between idealism and reality. There is an idealistic desire we have to put right relationship wrongs. And there is the reality of what was done and the hurt and pain of the past. Forgiveness is a choice you make to relate to a person in spite of what happened. It doesn’t mean forgetting. It just means being willing to carry on and be in relationship.

If you are caring for a parent with Alzheimer’s Disease, that person may not even remember what they did in the past that hurt you. Here are some tips to finding forgiveness in yourself:

1. Talk about what happened to you in the past. Find a trusted friend and talk.
2. Realize that just because you have forgiven your parent doesn’t mean that what hurt you isn’t real. It just means you are choosing to move on.
3. Give up any idea of payback or revenge. Your aged parent is now living with Alzheimer’s disease. Your caring for them has everything to o with YOUR CHOICE to be a good and decent person. It has nothing to do with whether or not your parent deserves your love.
4. If you are a religious or spiritual person, remember that there is a good reason that forgiveness is a keystone to every major spiritual tradition. Forgiveness is good for your soul.
5. Forgiveness is a healing agent. You will be surprised to find how your own anger and pain diminishes as your serve and put another person’s needs first.

Remember this most important truth:

Forgiveness is a gift that you give to yourself.

J. Green
AlzCare Assisted Living for Alzheimer’s Disease
New Braunfels, Texas

Alzheimer’s treatment and facilities in Texas.