The Checkbook

They say that old habits die hard, this certainly holds true with Alzheimer’s disease.  The patterns that we find ourselves in for many years can become ruts, when we are no longer able to perform them efficiently and cannot accept/understand this. Pamela Kelly with Alzheimer’s Reading Room writes on the battle between her and her mother. Pamela’s mother had balanced her and her family’s monetary issues all her life. When her Mother started making serious errors on paper and checks start bouncing, Pamela resorts to giving her mother use old checkbooks, allowing her to feel more independent and accomplished. A very endearing story about going out of your way for those you love.

My sister took a box of checks from a closed account, checks bearing my mother’s name, address, and proper bank. Only the account number differed, and the sequence of checks. She substituted the dummy checks for the negotiable ones, and started a new register with my mother’s accurate current balance.

Immediately, this accomplished one important benefit. The checkbook wars between my sister and my mother ended. Now, my sister could pay the bills, reconcile the account, and keep Mom’s financial house in order – all offsite and online at my sister’s house rather than at my mother’s kitchen table.

A huge charade ensued – all of my mother’s experience of managing the checking account remained the same: receiving the bills into her home, sitting down with my sister to write the checks and enter them into the register, recording her Social Security and other deposits.

The difference was that my sister was no longer striving for accuracy. She could relax into the charade and simply be with my mother through the process, validating Mom’s decisions and actions rather than “correcting” them.

The reduced conflict was beneficial to Mom, and the lessened stress was a boon to my sister. Perseverating over money and the checkbook was much less noticeable in our daily phone calls. This simple decision – to substitute checks from a dormant account for the real McCoys – eliminated a trigger for upsets.

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